DISASTER SERUM PLAYLIST: 24 SONGS YOU SHOULD PUT ON, TO GET OFF

COURTESY OF MARILYN G

 

*WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT*

Below is the ultimate playlist for all my freaky females out there. These songs are much like pairing the bouquet of a fine wine, to the smokey flavor of a nice aged cheese. And yes, I compared your sweet, sweet love making to cheese. But let's be real, that’s a fucking compliment. I may not be a sexpert, but god dammit I’m the sommelier of sexy jams, so please enjoy this hand selected sex playlist.

 

THE PREGAME:

This playlist may be about you getting-it-in with that someone special, but let’s get it straight, the night really begins by focusing on YOU! Maybe you're waiting for your boo to come home from work. Or, for those single girls out there who finally got the lady cajones to send that “wyd?” text, this is the time in the night when you've received that response text and are a bundle of nerves and raging female hormones. IDK about you, but after shaving pretty much every inch of my body, I am feelin’ my smooth ass and needin’ some smooth tunes to get me ready for my sexapades. Ladies, this is YOUR time to grab a glass of wine, and pull a ‘Hillary Duff singing into her hairbrush’ as you dance around in your panties.

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1.  I WANNA BE YOUR LOVER - PRINCE

First off, please do yourself a favor and watch this music video. Prince’s fab lil ass exudes sex with a deep leopard v and one hoop, servin’ up some windblown realness. Channel your inner Prince, and dance like the fuckin’ diva you are baby girl.

2. YOU MAKE ME FEEL - SYLVESTER

SPEAKING OF DIVAS!!! Get your buzz on and dance it out to this mighty real queen.

3. SATURDAY LOVE - CHERRELLE

“Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday love.” Finally a song for bangin’ any day of the week.

 

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4. LOVE ON TOP - BEYONCE

With a sassy beat, cute af lyrics, and a million key changes (all of which we can’t actually hit) this song is perfect for when you’re feelin’ yourself and giddy to get laid.

 

THE ICEBREAKER:

Little does his daft lil ass know, you've been preppin and are READY TO BONE. But your boo just walked in and may be a bit awk. This is your time to break the ice and let him know what's ‘BOUT TO GO DOWN! Y’all are both there for the same reason, but sometimes you gotta spell it out for him. So, put on some corny ass baby makin’ tunes to help loosen you up a little. You and your boo thang will get in some good laughs, and just like that, all awkward tension is gone.

 

5. I WANNA SEX YOU UP - COLOR ME BADD

This song cuts right to the point. It literally repeats “I wanna sex you up” the whole time. If he doesn’t get it, you're wasting your time.

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6. LET'S GET IT ON - MARVIN GAYE

Marvin likes to get straight to the point, but hey, this is no time for subtlety.

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7. SEXUAL HEALING - MARVIN GAYE

Just look at those ‘fuck me’ eyes. If my man Marvin doesn’t get you both in the mood, I just don’t know what will.

8. BUMP N GRIND - R. KELLY

Please forget for a second that R. Kelly had a cult where he trained women to have sex with  him, and admit that this is a fucking iconic banger.

 

THE FOREPLAY:

Let's be honest, sometimes the foreplay is the most fun and sexy part of any good dick session. These songs should fade into the background, but set the tone for a kinky makeout sesh.

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9. UNTITLED (HOW DOES IT FEEL) - D'ANGELO

This music video had us all SHOOK. He may be bald, fat, and bankrupt by now, but D’angelo’s “How does it feel” was frickin’ made to fool around to.

10. ASK OF YOU - RAPHAEL SAADIQ

Formally in the quality group Tony! Toni! Toné!, it's a wonder how this song didn't get nominated for a Tony (I’m sorry). This tune is full of delights such as “Just give me all your lovin', Girl, I'll do all the rubbin” and “I'll kiss you anywhere,Yes, love, even there.” *HINT HINT, WINK WINK*

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11. SWEETEST TABOO - SADE

This smooth Sade jam will hopefully get you as wet as her.

12. SO INTO YOU - TAMIA

Through the sensual vocals of the beautiful Tamia, tell your baby boy that you think he’s special.

 

THE DICK SESSION

AS WE ALL KNOW any good lay needs variety. Different tempos, rhythms, and positions. Therefore your playlist will act as a spirit guide for your man’s penis. Slow grinds, bangers, and faster beats (don’t worry ladies nothing fast enough to encourage a session full of jackhammering) will ensure that you and your man will have a good time. So, without further ado, here is my selection for your seduction. You’re well-cum.

 

13. DANCE FOR YOU - BEYONCE

Steal the show, and grind on your man to this sultry ass jam brought to you by Queen B.

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14. KNOCKIN BOOTS - H TOWN

What I would do to be one of those flannels right now.

15. DON'T MIND - MARY J BLIGE

This song has it all. A good, strong beat, confident lyrics, and not to mention Mary Blige is just so effortlessly cool and sexy. This song will make you feel some type of way.

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16. NEIGHBORS KNOW MY NAME - TREY SONGZ

This song will have all the neighbors knockin on your door.

17. THEN WE - TANK

The chorus is literally “When we fuck.” Not for the faint of heart.

18. LOVE YOU DOWN - READY FOR THE WORLD

An upbeat, old school tune about how he’s gonna treat you right.

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19. PONY - GINUWINE

A goddamn classic.

20. FREAK N' YOU - JODECI

I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. But, in this case, you can judge a song by its album cover. The gaudy naked lady silhouette, shiny gold ‘Jodeci’ logo, and angsty ass sex gods in 90’s hater shades, are the perfect imagery to describe this song.

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21. BLOW - BEYONCE

“Can you eat my skittles, It's the sweetest in the middle, Pink that's the flavor, Solve the riddle.” This cheeky verse will have you hungry for more than skittles, baby.

22. NICE N' SLOW - USHER

“I got plans to put my hands in places I’ve never seen, girl you know what I mean.” I’m a little scared for her, and taken aback by Usher’s naivety of the female anatomy, but I digress. Would still bang, even though he allegedly has herpes.

23. UNTIL THE END OF TIME - JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

Love the original but honestly prefer the duet, because, Beyonce. Also because it has this  accidentally provocative album cover of Justin Timberlake. I mean really, how many people did this go through, and no one was like “Umm...Justin….you look like you're sucking a dick.” Just sayin’.

24. DIFFERENCES - GINUWINE

Finally, here’s a song to subtly remind your man that you are a fucking GODDESS. Make him think about how lucky he is now that he found you, even if it's just for the night.

 

THE END

I hope you try out these songs on your next sexual conquest. These songs are first, and foremost to help you feel yourself. Remember, even if you are using this playlist for a little bit of ‘me-time’, you are a SEX QUEEN, and I hope these sweet, sweet jams will help remind you of that. Because, to quote the ever-so-wise RuPaul,“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” AMEN.

Now go get laid bitches!