I watched antm as an adult and i Can't believe what i saw
A few days ago I noticed that America’s Next Top Model is free on amazon prime, and as an amazon primer that watched ANTM as a child, I got very excited. My roommate and I immediately decided it would be a good idea to watch a makeover episode, because those are the best episodes by far, as we all know. We arbitrarily chose the makeover episode from season 4 (episode 2, entitled “The Girls Who Hate Their Makeovers”). We skipped ahead a bit because we didn’t care about the whole episode, and then we hit play… It was a bit of a shock when we hit play because it cut to all of the girls standing around with Miss Jay Alexander waiting to one by one get measured and weighed on TV. All of their weights were announced to each other making the heaviest girl feel horrible about herself, which is ridiculous because she was not overweight. At all. If you don’t believe me this is her:
Where do I even begin with the makeovers? If you haven’t seen these episodes, Tyra is kind of notorious for fucking these girls up big time. Some of my favorite shitty Top Model makeovers are:
1. Noodle Head
This top ramen weave given to a white girl that took forever and caused her an incredible amount of pain. They then realized it looked terrible and after a week made her sit for a few more hours to get it painfully taken out.
2. Granny's Salon
These highlights from hell. I didn’t even know it was possible to make someone look 20 years older after 2 hours in a salon, but Tyra gets only the best of the best stylists for these girls.
3. Ginger Nightmare
This frizzy auburn weave given to this poor girl in season 8. She looks like Princess Merida from Brave left the kingdom and got into crystal meth.
4. Faux Beard
I hadn’t even heard of this one until I stumbled across it while writing this. 2 words: beard weave. I’m not kidding, they actually gave this man a fake beard, and you guessed it, it looks really fucking stupid.
Back to this particular episode:
When the girls went to get their makeovers, Tyra decided it would be a good idea to turn a girl with dark brown/ black hair into a platinum blonde. If you know anything about dying hair you will know that bleaching hair like that in one sitting completely fries your hair, and is incredibly painful. So they start dying this poor soul’s hair and her whole body is convulsing. At this point we were in complete shock about how they not only break them down mentally, but also cause them physical trauma.
After this, 2 of them had reservations about their future looks. One of the girls, Brandy, was rude about it, but the other one, Keenyah, was just nervous. After going through with it, Keenyah apologized to the stylists and said she couldn’t believe how good it looked. Despite her apology, both of these girls got a lecture from Tyra that basically boiled down to “if you want to be a model you have to do whatever you are told, and like it.” Tyra seemed to think she was incredibly qualified to be making style choices for other people, and it was going to be amazing no matter what. However if you remember correctly, at this time Tyra had orange hair, so clearly she had some questionable ideas about style. Tyra my dear, all I have to say to you is this:
At the end of the episode while the judges discussed the model’s photos, Nigel Barker said that the super-not-overweight girl “carried some extra weight” and labeled another girl as “big.” This was clearly a huge negative in the judges eyes, and they were incredibly unforgiving about it. Can you guess who they sent home? Yup, fatty magoo (pictured above, just so you can remind yourself how not fat she is).
Moral of the story I guess is that ANTM is fucking brutal, and you probably shouldn’t watch it in 2018 unless you are in the mood to laugh and be livid at the same time.